There is a part of my life I have remained silent about to many but I think I am ready to speak up.

I am a survivor of domestic abuse

I hid that fact for three years out of shame and guilt but praise God from whom all blessings flow that He has given me a renewed heart and mind!

Admitting that takes strength but do you know what takes more strength? Forgiving the person who smothered the very person you were until there was nothing left but a shell and a question – who am I?

I wrestled with what forgiveness was when I began my journey of healing two years AFTER I left.

We all have heard the phrase “forgive and forget”, but is that actually accurate? We argue well that’s what God does He casts our sins as far as the east is from the west and He no longer remembers our sins when we confess them so of course we should just forget that whatever happened, happened. Right?

The term forgive and forget has been so widely used for so many years that we have this almost toxic approach to how we forgive someone that does not actually bring healing but actually promotes the bottling up of emotions and thoughts that then eat away at us until they eventually explode.

This is incorrect. Forgiveness does NOT make something that happened okay, but what’s the first thing we usually say when someone says “I’m sorry I did…” We all HABITUALLY say, “Oh! It’s okay!” Forgiveness does not give the person who wronged us a free pass in the sense that the problem that happened doesn’t just magically disappear! There are still consequences and we see this through out the Bible. David and Bathsheba lost their son and many more problems arose despite David repenting and God forgiving him. Kings who repented in the Bible were saved but their sons due to how they were raised carried on down the same path that their fathers had been rescued from NOT because God then sought to punish them, but because they themselves were unrepentant!

Each wrong that is done against us chips away at our heart. It can ruin relationships, break our hearts, cause distrust… the list of traumas goes on endlessly. That doesn’t just automatically become healed the moment someone asks for forgiveness, But it becomes the starting point of a healing process to where you can rebuild what has been lost and begin to live in harmony again.

So what does forgiveness actually look like especially in sensitive cases like abuse where the trauma is so horrific that the survivor more than likely has lost years of memory as I have.

Bear with me because some of you may have your feathers ruffled by this.

In cases of abuse or dangerous situations forgiveness is NOT:

– Reconciling with them – meaning you are not actively reaching out to them to try and fix things

– Forgetting what happened

– Or saying it was okay

Forgiveness as the Holy Spirit has given me wisdom of is three parts

– Surrendering your anger to God (this does not mean numbing that anger and refusing to feel it. You have every right to feel it but do NOT dwell in it)

– Choosing to no longer hold it against the person who hurt you (this is not forgetting in the sense of amnesia and saying oh it never happened as I see too often, but in the sense of yes it did happen but I no longer hold this over your head, nor do I bring it up, I have let it go and allow healing to begin)

– Being WILLING to reconcile with them

Being willing to reconcile puts you in a very vulnerable state of trusting God. Because when you switch the narrative from avoiding the person that abused you at all costs to praying for justice to be done and for God to knock at the door of their hearts. It very well could happen one day that you may have to face your abuser. God may call on the heart of the survivor that it is time to hear the words we so desperately need as victims and now survivors – “I am so sorry for the way I treated you. It was wrong and I take full responsibility for my actions.” Unfortunately for so many these words will never be heard and the spirit in me is moved with such grief in knowing that because those words will never be heard it is quite likely that person will not be with us in heaven.

As we all continue in running the race may the Holy Spirit bring truth to our minds where lies have taken root that hinder us from doing the the will of our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ and His Father.

Blessings and healing friends!